Don't
by muchoblidged
Summary: Ayase has finally found a way out - a way to escape from his 'relationship' with Kanou. But no matter how far you run, you can't leave everything behind. Pairing/s/: anti-AyasexKanou, HomarexAyase
1. Severing the Red String

**Author's Note: **

Just a few things to get out of the way before the story starts up -

The title refers the 'red string of fate' which is said, in East Asian cultures, to tie two soul mates together.

According to Wikipedia and my fangirl instincts, Kanou lives in Shinjuku. According to Google, the closest airport to Shinjuku is in Narita which is a train ride away. Also according to Google, Peninsula Hospital is a hospital near JFK Airport.

The formatting I used in this might be a little confusing, but _italics_ are for thought, and if something is being emphasized inside the italics, it'll be in plain text. When someone is speaking English, everything they say will have three quotes around it, "'like this'".

Finally, since I didn't want to get into the mess of using honorifics, I had the Kubas refer to Kanou as "Boss" and Ayase as "Ayase" to be more respectful, which is why Kanou says Homare is being familiar later on. Kanou refers to the Kubas by their personal name or family name depending on the situation. I refer to Ayase and Kanou by their last names because that's how they were largely referred to in the manga, so using Somuku and Yukiya feels awkward. But you can't tell the Kubas apart by their last name, so I refer to them Misao and Homare. Please correct me if I'm wrong!

* * *

Ayase tucked a long-sleeved shirt into the small duffel bag in front of him and pressed down hard on it, compressing the wrinkles into crisp folds. He reached then for a pair of jeans, folded them, and repeated the procedure.

In the silence of the room, he imagined a soft click as though the doorknob were turning and his heart pulsed furiously as his face drained of color.

But the door never opened.

Ayase let out a long sigh of relief, trembling as he reached for the last pair of pants to pack. _He's not coming back until morning_. He reassured himself. Beads of sweat rolled down his face. _Calm down, calm down. You've got time._

And yet his heart still refused to beat properly.

Ayase pulled the zipper closed slowly, still unwilling to break the stillness of the apartment. He slid it under the bed next to him and stood.

_This…this is it._ He thought breathlessly. A nervous smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. _I'm really going. I'm really, truly going…_

Ayase took a few steps towards the door, and took a deep breath to calm his nerves, and then another to fill his lungs. He let out a shrill scream, squeezing his eyes shut to draw tears. The door burst open, jarring Ayase even though this was exactly as he had planned, and in burst Homare.

"Ayase!" He cried, knife in hand. He ran to the boy and grabbed his shoulders. "What's wrong? What happened?"

"The-the window! I – I heard –" Ayase stammered in the trembling falsetto he'd rehearsed. Homare held out a hand, gently pushing Ayase aside and gesturing for him to stay still. Ayase stepped back and dropped silently to a crouch. His fingers wrapped slipped under Kanou's phone and gently, silently lifted it.

"I'll go che–_nnf_." There was a sharp crack as it slammed into the base of Homare's skull. The man crumpled, falling to the floor face first with a small moan. Genuine tears flowed now, streaming uncontrollably down Ayase's cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Kuba." He murmured, dropping the fractured neck of the bottle. "...Goodbye." Ayase dragged the bag from under the bed and shouldered it. He walked to the front door, but paused. Glancing back at the bedroom, he couldn't help feel that he should leave something...A gift, perhaps, or a note...But he shook his head, blond bangs swishing back and forth in front of his eyes. _No, I have to be quick._ He grasped the handle and tugged the door open. _I have to _–

"Yukiya!"

His stomach turned as cold as the metal in his hand. No one called him that – no one but Kanou...

But Kanou wasn't in Japan, and wouldn't be for the next few hours. Ayase turned and came face to face with the pain-striken countenance of Homare. He let out a small sigh of relief, but his ease was soon washed away by a surge of guilt. Ayase bowed his head, flicking his wide eyes up at Homare every now and then to check his expression. But his guard didn't seem angry.

"You're...leaving." Homare managed, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in the back of his head.

"I..." Ayase trailed off, unable to meet his gaze. "...I'm sorry." Being able to say that much gave him some courage, he finally straightened, but still couldn't meet Homare's eyes. "I can't...do this anymore." He moved his eyes to Homare's face once, experimentally. "I've been saving a little bit...With a couple months' work plus what I had already saved, I was able to get some spending money and buy a ticket." Something flared in his chest as he mentioned his plan, and he looked at Homare. "I'm going to America."

The silence between them was heavy and Ayase couldn't read Homare's expression. Whatever Homare was feeling was masked by the small twitches of pain that sporadically distorted his features, as well as his own ability to disguise his emotions. But Ayase could see sadness, which conjured another pang of guilt inside him.

"Boss would kill me if he found out." Homare finally murmured.

"You don't have to tell him - you have the...the bump on the back of your head. I attacked you and got away while you were unconscious! He'll understand, right?" Ayase searched Homare's face for confirmation, but couldn't discern what he found. With a choked sigh, Ayase took a step towards Homare. "P-please." He whispered, putting a hand on Homare's face. Ayase felt muscles jump under his hand as he brushed a pale collusion. "I know...I only ask you things you'll be punished for...but...please, I..." He leaned forward, color rushing to his face. "...I..." His lips brushed Homare's. "..._I_..."

He was drawn into a kiss gently, and the touch only lasted for a moment, if that. Ayase flinched and moved to pull away, and Homare's grip on him loosened immediately. But Ayase didn't pull away - he remained there. He didn't love Homare but...he knew there was something _more_ there, and staying like this was the least he could do for his guard.

Homare pulled back first, leaving Ayase leaning forward on thin air for a second. Ayase opened his eyes and gave Homare a sad smile. "Th-thank you." He stammered.

"I love you." Homare replied gently. The man almost smiled, as though relieved to finally voice the words.

They never said goodbye - their final statements and a gentle wave were enough.

Ayase ran down the hallway, the duffel bag bouncing off his back and digging into him he went, but he felt bizarrely weightless.

He was free.

Free.

...

"I'm not lying – I swear he – NNG!"

"Shut up. Just shut the hell up you piece of –"

"_Nnn_! B-boss..._haa_..._haa_...Believe me - I would never do that to Yukiya – AAH!"

"Using his first name? Aren't you being a bit _familiar_?"

"AAAUUGHH! _Oh God_...my_ arm_..."

"Now I want the truth, Homare."

"Tha-that is the truth..._My arm_..."

Kanou took a drag on his cigarette before pulling it out of his mouth. He held it in his fingers, watching the embers eat away at the off-white wrapping. "Hmm," Kanou mused. Homare looked up, noticing a definite change in his voice. Kanou crouched down and poised the burning roll over Homare's eye. "Let's try this again." He put a hand on his employee's head to steady his target. "Does this change anything?"

But Homare couldn't bring himself to say that about Ayase... That they had – It wasn't honest. It wasn't right.

He swallowed heavily.

"No. It doesn't."

...

Ayase beamed out the window at the fading lights of Narita. He'd never been on a plane before - it was _exhilarating_. This plus emotional high of being away from Kanou and on his way to America – _America! _– made his heart race. He pressed his nose to the window, eyes darting around in the darkness. The glass was cool against his steadily warming forehead; another fever was coming on. Then suddenly he drew away from the window and folded his hands on his lap. There was that cold feeling in his stomach...but it was different this time. He was running away, and leaving behind so much: his education, his home, his friends, the little family he had left, his debt..._Kanou. _That was something he hadn't quite gotten over, and no amount of adrenaline or flying through the clouds could fix that. He wanted to pay Kanou back – it was the right thing to do. He wanted to be with Kanou. Ayase closed his eyes. He wanted to be friends with Kanou, and go to the amusement park, and cook for him again, and laugh with him and Someya and Gion again and...

He frowned.

_And_...

_Is that really all we've done?_ Ayase asked. _Besides_..._well_...

He straightened in his chair and shifted slightly, moving to a more comfortable position.

That's_ why you're leaving._ He reminded himself. _Because that's all you did._ His hands tensed and his fingernails dug into his palm. _And that's all we'll ever do._

Ayase looked out the window and gave the shrinking city a sad smile.

"Isn't that right...Kanou?" He murmured.

...

"Kuba."

Misao dragged his eyes from his brother's stationary form on the floor of the apartment to the blood-spattered shirt of his boss. For the first time in a long while, he couldn't meet the man's eyes.

"Yes?"

Kanou's fierce glare didn't move from Homare.

"Get me a towel to wipe the filth from my hands. Then take him to a hospital."

Misao forced himself not to bolt to his brother's side, and instead walked as calmly as he could to the kitchen. He hoped Kanou didn't notice the way his hand trembled as he held out a dishcloth.

"America, right?" Kanou muttered, lighting a cigarette once his hands were clean. Misao was silent as he draped Homare's good arm around his own shoulders and hefted him up. Blood rolled off his brother's suit, and the crimson puddle on the floor expanded minimally. Kanou exhaled, sending a plume of smoke towards the ceiling. "I guess I'm off to Narita."

...

Ayase took a deep breath and spread his arms, standing still in the middle of the corridor. Somehow it was...different here. It wasn't the obvious things - the myriad of people, or the English signs and sounds everywhere. It was just...different. People muttered and walked around him, scolding him quietly for being so rude. After a minute or two, he lowered his arms and took a step forward. His leg buckled under him and he fell, suddenly unable to stand. His head was spinning, and he noticed the chills running through him had gotten worse.

"'Excuse me, ma'am? Are you okay?'"

Ayase blinked, trying to focus his eyes. He recognized the blur of color in front of him as a stewardess, and tried to sort out what she was saying.

"Sorry?" He mumbled, holding his head. "Could you repeat that?"

"'ENGLISH?'" The woman shouted. "'DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?'"

Ayase winced._ Too loud..._

"'I'm sorry.'" He managed to blurt, reaching in his pocket for his passport. He opened the small blue book and held it up to her. She leaned in.

"'Oh – I'm sorry s-sir_._'" The stewardess put a hand on his shoulder. "'Are you alright?'"

"'I...'" Ayase opened and closed his eyes slowly. "'I don't feel so...'" He leaned to the side, tired.

"'Eloise?'" A man's voice. "'Who's that? Is she alright?'"

"'Charles! He just collapsed...'" Eloise's voice faded into the rumble of sound around him.

_All I want to do is sleep_...He sighed inwardly. _Sleeping off my fevers usually helps, and I'm very tired_..._That woman seemed nice - I hope she doesn't mind_...

...

Kanou frowned and shouldered his way through the crowd, pushing out of the plane. He glanced around over the heads for someone small and blond, but that description fit far more people here than it did in Japan.

"'Excuse me, sir?'"

Kanou turned. A terminal operator was standing in front of him. "'Are you looking for someone?'"

He blinked. "What?"

The man leaned forward. "'_Are you looking for someone_?'" He repeated, louder this time.

Kanou reached in his pocket and pulled out a picture of Ayase. "'Look. For. Him.'" He ground out, straining his English. The man peered at the picture.

"'Oh! We saw him in here just the other day. He had to go to Peninsula Hospital. May I ask the reason as to the inquiry?'"

"'Friend.'" Kanou muttered. A hospital? His frown deepened – he couldn't help but feel concerned. Ayase was just a kid…

"'Well, I can give you the address of Peninsula Hospital, but it's up to the hospital staff if they'll let you see him. Actually, if you have a cab waiting the driver will probably know–'"

Kanou didn't wait for the man to finish. He set off for the door, found his cab and told the driver his destination. As the car lurched forward and peeled off into the streets, Kanou lit a cigarette, which brought a small grunt of displeasure from the driver. The businessman lowered the window, refusing to put out his smoke, and glowered at the surrounding cars. His fingers drummed an offbeat rhythm on the plastic armrest.

"Dammit, Ayase." He snapped, tapping the cigarette against the side of the car. The cylindrical mass of ashes crumbled and fell to the street with an inaudible hiss. "Why do you have to be so difficult…?"

...

"'Ayase?'"

At the mention of his name, the young man looked up from the book he was reading. "'Ah – yes?'" He smiled.

The nurse beamed at him. "'You have a visitor.'"

Ayase's smile faltered. " 'D-did he say his name?'"

The nurse cocked her head. "'Yes – Somuku. Were you expecting him?'"

Ayase ran his hands through his hair. "'Ah, ahm…s-sort of.'" He mumbled, giving the nurse a half-hearted grin.

She stepped forward into the room. "'Yo udon't have to see him if you don't want to.'"

"'N-no…'" Ayase stammered, shaking his head. "'It's fine.'" He forced a cheery expression onto his face. "'Send him in.'"

The nurse glanced at him before turning back and leaving the room. She returned a few minutes later, closely followed by a dark-haired, scowling man. Kanou and Ayase stared hard at each other silently. The nurse looked between the two of them before backing out of the room.

"You get enough money to come to America, and the first thing you do is pass out?" Kanou scoffed.

"You can't smoke in here." Ayase reminded him, struggling to keep his voice even.

Kanou looked at him, an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips. "Then maybe I should take you up on our deal..." He walked to the bed and leaned forward, but Ayase turned away from the kiss.

"No - Kanou, I...I'm not yours anymore." Ayase blurted. Kanou frowned and pulled back. Ayase inhaled deeply, suddenly short of breath.

"Of course you are." Kanou gripped his chin and tilted his head up. "Maybe you need to be reminded..." His hand slid down Ayase's torso, sliding under the sheets –

Ayase jerked away. "No – you don't understand, Kanou!" He cried. "I may have still have my debt, but here I can find a good job and finish college." He looked at Kanou. "I can pay you back any way I want."

"I won't accept any form of payment except –" Kanou began.

"I don't care!" Ayase shouted, gripping the blankets in his hands. "I can't do that anymore, Kanou. I feel like...everything inside me is breaking." He gripped his own shoulders, hugging himself. "I don't understand myself anymore." He bit his lip. "B-but I can still pay you back, somehow –"

"Idiot!" Kanou snapped. He planted his hands on either side of the boy, leaning over him. "Do you really think I still care about that?" His eyes turned soft, and his voice became gentle. "I just want you."

Ayase was speechless for a moment, embarrassed, and somehow...flattered. But he found some strength somewhere in himself, put his hands on Kanou's chest and pushed gently. "You had your chance." He looked down, to the side, anywhere but at Kanou. "I know you can be kind and maybe – maybe if we had just been friends, even after all that's happened I could have...felt something – for you."

Ayase shook his head. "...But you couldn't respect that!" He pushed again, harder this time. "You couldn't respect _me_! You couldn't accept that you would have to patient and wait for a while – that you would have to recognize me as a _person_ and let me actually go do things without being constantly watched and checked up on! And the fact that it was all just for money made me feel like I was..." The tears fell then, rolling down his cheeks without warning or control. "Like I was...selling myself..." He choked out. His hands closed on Kanou's lapels, gripping his suit jacket. "Everything was a deal – something for a cigarette or a photo. How could I have felt any differently?"

"You're coming back to Japan with me." Kanou growled, gripping Ayase's wrist.

"I'm not!" Ayase tried to pull away, but Kanou simply tightened his grip.

"I'll find you. I have business partners here that will be able to locate you –"

"You don't get it, do you?" Ayase freed himself with a sharp tug. "This is America! It's bigger than Japan, and you don't control it! I can hide here and become anyone I want."

Kanou finally drew back. He lit his cigarette. Ayase winced as the fumes filled the room. "You must be grateful to Kuba, eh?"

Ayase looked up. "Wha..."

Kanou's gaze was cold and impassive. "After all..." He flicked some embers onto the floor. "It was him that let you get away."

"No!" Ayase cried, but his reply was too quick and rushed. "He was unconscious – I hit him!"

"Yeah. I bet it was hard to get him to leave you alone after you_ fucked_." Kanou sneered.

Ayase flushed. "Did he say that –?"

"He lied." Kanou shrugged. "Denied it. I was hoping you'd be more honest."

"We never did anything! He just kissed me!" Ayase exclaimed, his blush deepening.

Kanou's eyes narrowed. "I guess the bastard did deserve it then."

"D-deserve what?" Ayase whispered, leaning forward.

"I broke his arm and put my cigarette out in his eye." Kanou replied nonchalantly. "To get him to talk." Ayase shuddered. "I guess without you there it was harder to restrain myself." Kanou reached over and ground his cigarette into the table. "I wonder what else could happen. I just get so _pissed_ at him when you're gone. Hell, why stop at his arm? I'll break his legs, his ribs, his ne–"

"Stop!" Ayase screamed. "You can't make me go back with you!"

The nurse stepped in. "'Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear. Is everything alright?'"

Kanou and Ayase exchanged a look. Ayase somehow summoned a smile and nodded. "'Of course. Things are fine.'" The nurse paused, looked Kanou over before leaving hesitantly. Ayase's smile vanished as he turned back to Kanou. "Please leave."

His mouth was full nicotine and smoke, and the all-too-familiar taste sent a shudder through him. "I've never lost before." Kanou murmured against his lips, brushing the hair out of Ayase's face.

"Please..." Ayase murmured, pulling back.

Kanou straightened, drawing himself to his full height.

"And…don't hurt Homare. He hasn't done anything wrong." Ayase added quickly. "I don't...feel that way about him." He saw Kanou flinch, just barely. The man began to walk to the door and Ayase heard himself call out a goodbye. He needed to, to reassure himself that this was it, and it felt good to say it, knowing what the simple phrase meant.

Kanou didn't reply; he simply left and brushed past the small huddle of nurses crowded around the door, ignoring their mumbled apologies.

He pulled out a cigarette once he left the hospital, but he didn't light it. There was a strange ache in his chest making it hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and tried to not think of Ayase, of going back to Japan without him, but his mind was clouded with images of the blond. Kanou waved over a taxi and massaged the bridge of his nose.

The ache increased and he shuddered with the force of it.

On the ride back to airport and the flight back to Japan, he tried not to think of what he was returning to – an empty apartment, a cold stove, a myriad of consequences for his foolish missteps.

He tried not to think of what he was leaving behind.

Kanou covered his face with a hand and closed his eyes. Even though it hurt, he focused on Ayase, and the way he smiled, the way he moaned under him...

And the more he focused, the sharper the images became, and the duller the drone of the plane's engines grew until, eventually, the world around him faded to black.


	2. Crimson Fibers

Ayase's hand trembled over his phone. Someya had given him Homare's phone number months ago, told him he had recovered completely – with the exception of his eye. "_At least you can tell the two of them apart now!_" He joked weakly. Ayase tried and failed to find a laugh.

He dialed the number slowly. He had to – his shaking fingers could barely press the buttons. He heard a vague clicking and then a short polyphonic tone.

"Hello?"

Ayase almost cried.

"_Homare_?"

"...A-Ayase? Ayase!"

He bit his lip. "How are you?" He asked.

"...I'm fine."

"Me too."

There was a near silence. He could hear Homare's labored breathing just out of sync with his own.

"I want – _need_ to see you." Ayase broke out suddenly. "Come visit me."

"I can't do that, Ayase. Boss would never –"

"I know." He cut in. "Even so, I..."

"Me too."

Ayase chewed his lip and fidgeted. "...I think I love you." He blurted. There was a crackling fizzle of sound as Homare began to reply, but Ayase slammed the phone down on the jack before any words were spoken. After about an hour, his phone rang and proceeded to ring for the next thirty minutes. He let out a sigh and lay back on his bed. He had school in two hours and work in eight, but he promised himself he would call Homare again that day.

He swallowed and grimaced. There it was again - that vague, offensive taste. Bitter, smoky...

The taste of Kanou.

Ayase closed his eyes and thought of Homare and slowly, slowly, the taste faded.

But even so, it lingered just a little, as it always did.

* * *

**Another Author's Note - (Please don't hurt me!):**

That's it! Thank you so much for reading! I didn't want to lump on another AN to the first chapter, so I put this here, even though it has to do more with the last chapter. To any Kanou fans out there, I guess I'm sorry. I never liked Kanou very much, and I've wanted to have some comeuppance. I can't deny that I did lay on the guilt tripping a bit too much...

On another note - this turned out a lot more HomarexAyase-centered than I thought it would...This fic was really supposed to show Ayase's problems with their relationship and what I thought he wanted from Kanou, or how Kanou could have made it work. But I've been in love with Homare ever since I saw that huge "SELF CONTROL" over his head (Largely because he was the only person in the series who seemed to know what that was *cough cough*.) and I believe that nice guys don't always have to finish last. I really hope you enjoyed this!


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